Why I Fear Being A Role Model

It was a day like any other -- I was at home, going about my business, and struck up a conversation with a friend on Facebook (the main place where I, a chronically ill hermit, get my socialization fix). I don't remember exactly what we were talking about. But I do remember the conversation digressing into MBTI discussion and jokes. My friend mentioned a habit she'd begun to develop, and I made a joke along the lines of, "Uh-oh -- you're turning into me." The gist of her response was, "I could do worse -- you're a pretty good person to aspire to be like."

I blinked at the screen, stared at her words for a few seconds, then rattled off a joke to change the subject. Her words echoed through my mind, and I had no idea what to do with them. Me, someone people would want to be like? A role model?

No. Obviously she was just being nice. And of course, I tossed around the seemingly rhetorical question in my mind: "Why would anyone want to be like me?"

So here's one of the most basic facts you need to know about me: I am not perfect. Nobody is, right? But somehow, the idea of having someone -- especially a younger person who's still figuring themselves out -- look to me as an example of how to behave is terrifying. I mean, how do you even do that? As the fourth-born child out of five and the youngest girl, I never felt much pressure to be an example for anyone. (Firstborn children, my cap is off to you for getting through life with the myriad of expectations placed upon you just because you happened to be born before any of your siblings.)

But I mean I am really not perfect. At least from my own perspective, I have a lot of flaws, some of which I'm on the road to conquering, others not so much. In fact, it seems like the longer I live and interact with others, the more aware and self-conscious I become about my own shortcomings. Having a few invisible physical and mental illnesses only compounds this. Because here's the deal -- I am literally brain-damaged. Not in the sense that I got in a car crash and bashed my head against something or anything like that, but because since I was in high school I have had parasites crawling through my body, burrowing in and eating away at whatever they found. And part of what they found was my brain and nervous system. As a result, even though they're clearing out of my blood bit by bit, I'm still left with a flaky brain and a tendency to be less than normal in my behavior (not that I ever really was in the first place). Depression saps my motivation. Anxiety paralyzes me and compels me to run into the arms of the many sources of procrastination which I've discovered. And brain fog sees to it that, on those rare occasions when I have both the motivation and the confidence to work, every word written or edited is... is, um... What was I going to say, again?

Oh, right. It's a struggle. That's what I was going to say. Except I was going to use much better words and some kind of original metaphor to make myself sound clever.

Anyways, you probably get the picture by now. Whatever flaws I might have had as a "normal" person are exacerbated (though not caused) by all the stuff going on in my brain and the rest of my body. Where I might have once been a little nervous about sending someone a message after extensive silence between us, now I tend to avoid conversations altogether just so I won't have to deal with my brain saying, "But what if they don't want to talk to you? What if they want to talk to you but you're not interesting enough? No, don't say that or they'll think -- uggggghhhhh, why on earth did you say that? That was the stupidest possible way to answer that question. Just close the chat window and run away to watch Netflix with me and never try to talk to people again." Where I might have been a little flustered to see that someone challenged my strongly held belief (oh, woe of all woes), now I panic and have to resist the urge not to lash out or dissolve into tears over the perceived rejection of my point of view.

In fact, if I were to believe everything my addled brain tells me in an average day, I would believe myself to be the:

1. Least reliable
2. Most irrational
3. Laziest
4. Most cowardly
5. Most ignorant
6. Least interesting
7. Most awkward
8. Most annoying
9. Clingiest
10. Most paranoid
11. Most temperamental

...person in the world.

So why, out of all the ~7 billion people on this planet, would anyone choose to look at me and want to model their lives and behavior after mine?

I have no idea how many people out there actually look up to me and how many just say so to be nice. I don't know what I look like from the outside, any more than most of the people I meet know how I see myself from the inside. The truth is, most -- if not all -- of us are our own harshest critics. It's easy to look at someone you admire and think, "Wow, they've really got their lives together," because they have a nicer car than you, a larger group of friends, or a Bible that's a lot more heavily highlighted than yours.

But I don't live inside your head. I don't know what thoughts cross your mind as you roll out of bed in the morning, what you notice first when you appraise yourself in the mirror. I don't know whether your comfort in social situations is natural or whether you're just really good at faking it. For all I know, if I compared my list of my own perceived flaws with the one you've made for yourself, yours might be just as long or even longer.

And yet if neither of us ever took a gander at the other's list, we would never know. We would probably just hide our lists behind our backs, smile and laugh pleasantly, and pretend we never felt insecure about anything in our lives.

And most likely, we would believe each other. Because even as we're aware that everyone is human and you should never judge a book by its cover, still we do it every day.

In fact, I believe this happens a lot, especially in this digital age where nearly everyone is on various social networks, posting and tweeting and snapchatting all the most interesting parts of their lives to everyone else. We spend ages searching for the perfect profile photo, then touch it up a little just to make ourselves look a little better and more put together. We take a few extra moments before posting our statuses to make sure everything is worded in a way that will make us look as clever, spiritual, funny, [insert preferred descriptor here] as possible. Everything gets filtered through our own ideas about what people like or don't like about us and what we could do or say to make them like us more. And the more we use that filter, the more impressive we appear, and the less our insecurities show through to anyone observing us.

This phenomenon also occurs in face-to-face interactions, though, not just online. Isn't it only human, after all, to want to be the best version of yourself that you can be? And if you can't be perfect, you might as well try to make others think you are, right?

But no-one is perfect. We all come with our own baggage, our own insecurities about who we are, what we are, and how other people view us. Listen, it doesn't matter how amazing and confident and put-together someone looks on the outside -- everyone, from your next-door-neighbor to the guy sleeping on a park bench to the celebrity whose face you have as your phone's wallpaper, has insecurities. Their life might seem perfect, but they have bad days, too. They just might not air them out for everyone else to see, or if those days do come to light, it usually wasn't their desire to allow that.

That's a big part of why the idea of being a celebrity is frankly terrifying to me. Because you get little to no privacy. As a living, breathing human being with a beating heart and a brain capable of forming thoughts and emotions, you have insecurities just like everyone else. The difference is that, when you're a celebrity, everyone is watching you. Everyone expects you to be perfect, and they're constantly looking to you for inspiration on everything from their hairstyles and clothing to getting ahead in their careers and having the best relationships possible.

And if you fall short of their expectations, everyone is disappointed. Everyone looks at you and shakes their head and says, "How could you? You aren't supposed to mess up like that. You're a role model -- you should know better."

And right there, that is why the idea of being anyone's role model scares me. Because I'm not perfect. I'm not even good at pretending to be perfect. The closest thing I can do is to try and behave as normally and respectably as possible and apologize when I mess up, hoping beyond hope that everyone will forgive me when I inevitably slip up and disappoint or hurt them in some way.

Because it happens. Always. The people who love me unconditionally stick with me anyways no matter how much I let them down, but that doesn't mean I never do anything that falls short of their expectations for my behavior. I can't help it. I am human, and I am flawed, and no-one is more aware of this fact than I am.

Well, I suppose there is one person -- the only perfect person who has ever lived or ever will live.

You know where I'm going with this, don't you? The only perfect human ever to walk the face of the earth since the first humans committed their original sin is Jesus Christ. He was fully human, but was -- and is -- also fully God. God knows everything and everyone. And on top of that, you know what I went and did when I was a kid? I asked Him to come into my life and pay the price for all my sins and stupid mistakes, to work in me and make up for the imperfection that has always been a part of me. So I don't even get the luxury of pretending that no-one knows what I've done or what makes me feel insecure, because He's right there in my heart (figuratively speaking), and He's around all the time, nudging me when I'm headed the wrong way, and waiting patiently for me to come back to Him when I disregard His directions and take the crooked path anyways. He's so thoroughly perfect and patient and all the things that I am not, and just thinking about it makes me a little weak in the knees, because how am I ever supposed to match up to that?

Here's the simple answer: I'm not. Well, of course He wants me to try. But I will fail, because I am human, because I am me, and anyone looking to be exactly like me in every way will either fail in the same ways or be disillusioned when they see me stumble. Anything good they see in me is not really mine, but rather is the result of Jesus standing with me, holding me up when I'm weak, telling me which way to go when I feel thoroughly lost.

But maybe that's been the point all along. Maybe it's not about what people see in me so much as it's about what they see through me. I fall short of perfection daily (strike that -- multiple times a day), but Jesus is still with me, and even when I don't see it or try to forget it, He's shaping me and the course of my life to accomplish His purpose, even when I'm not being particularly cooperative about it. He works all things together for good, even my laundry list of flaws and insecurities that I try so desperately to hide behind my back.

Well, I'm airing a few of them now. And my desire is that when you see me open up about my life and some of the areas where I fall short, you aren't disillusioned by my broken nature. Instead, I want people to look at me and see Christ's light shining through all the dark cracks in my soul that mark me as the damaged creature that I am.

Because that's the gist of it, digressors. Jesus is the ultimate role model, the one person worth emulating in His entirety. If you see Christ-like attributes in people you know, by all means strive to adopt them, but not because a fallible human possesses them. Rather, do it because what you see in them reflects Jesus and His pure perfection. Lift the weary when they fall, not because a celebrity you like helped that one person one time, but because "what you do unto the least of these, you do unto Me." (Matthew 25:40) Be "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy" (Psalm 103:8), not merely because your one friend has a skill for it, but because that's how Jesus is and how He wants you to be. Be honest and sincere, and "whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as doing it unto the Lord, and not unto men" (Colossians 3:23), because this isn't about other people, right? It's about Jesus and trying to emulate Him, in recognition of the fact that He has never failed and never will.

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will you mess up? Most definitely.

But in this way, when someone does choose you as a role model (because let's face it, even though you're not perfect, God designed you to be pretty amazing and someone out there is bound to recognize it), they won't just see your mistakes or some front you've put up to make yourself look good. They'll see your imperfections, true, but they'll also see how God uses those imperfections to bless others around you, and that will encourage them to go to the source, to the ultimate role model you so openly emulate.

This is, ultimately, my goal. It might seem incongruous, but as proud as I am, as strong as the instinct may be to stuff all my imperfections into a trunk and shove it into the back of a closet somewhere, ultimately I hope people understand just how imperfect I am. I hope they see that I have...

1. Bad days (but He gets me through them)
2. Insecurities (but He works through me anyways)
3. Temptations (but He always offers a way out and forgives me when I fail)
4. Bad habits (but He motivates me to attempt change, even if it's a slow, bumpy process)
5. Fears (but He gives me courage)
6. Weaknesses (but He gives me strength)
7. Misgivings (but He encourages me to forgive)
8. Doubts (but He gives clarity)

...and that if they consider me to be any kind of role model, it's really not me they're seeing. It's my Savior and the continual work He is doing in me (and in those around me) to make me more like Himself and show His love and goodness to those around me.

And, dear digressor, if He can work through me, an overly emotional, depressed, anxious, bitter, often disturbed human being... what might He do through you?

"I am crucified with Christ:

nevertheless I live; yet not I,

but Christ liveth in me;

and the life which I now live in the flesh

I live by the faith of the Son of God

who loved me,

and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20 (KJV)

Book Review: 'The Heir War' (Kinsman Chronicles #1.2) By Jill Williamson

Hey there, digressors. Guess what hit the digital market today? It's a new book! The second installment of 'The Kinsman Chronicles' by Jill Williamson released today, and it's available at all (or most) major eBook retailers. And because I know you're dying to know my opinion of it (okay, okay, maybe you're not, but you're already here), I shall leave it below. But first, for context, you can visit this site for the official blurbs of the books. Oh, and a charming little graphic Jill herself made in honor of the occasion. 

Two months ago, I reviewed 'Darkness Reigns', the opener to a compelling high fantasy series by Jill Williamson. Today I am reviewing its faster-paced sequel. 

The first book was very good, and a solid beginning to the series, but since it had to do the job of introducing not only an entire cast of characters, but the complicated world in which they lived, the pace was a little slow. 'The Heir War' does not have this problem. With 'Darkness Reigns' as a launching pad, it takes off, carrying along the reader in its ride through the five reals and the environmental and interpersonal chaos throughout. It's a riveting tale, filled with action and suspense that left me eagerly anticipating the next installment. Tension mounts between characters and prophecy comes to fruition, the religious systems are further developed, the faith themes have begun to evolve and cast light into the darkness, and the more questions are answered, the more rise up to take their place. 

If I had to pick a favorite character, though the cast in general is fantastic, I would choose Trevn, the youngest Sar (or prince) of Armania. He's energetic and charmingly offbeat, childish at times but with a good heart and a desire to see truth come to light. 

I do feel compelled to give a heads-up that there is some innuendo involved, primarily by cruder characters in conversation and dares and by priestesses seeking to fulfill an ancient prophecy. However, it's plot-relevant rather than gratuitous, so I wouldn't say that it necessarily makes the book any less worth reading. I'd only say that the story is clearly meant for adults and older teens, and this should be taken into consideration when choosing whether or not to read it. 

Overall, I liked 'The Heir War' even more than 'Darkness Reigns', and  I eagerly look forward to reading the third book. 

So what do you think? Would you like to join in on the quest to save the five realms? You can get 'Heir War' at any of the links below the lovely cover if you're interested. If you haven't read 'Darkness Reigns' yet, it's free for download at all the same e-retailers as 'Heir War'. 

Amazon 

Barnes & Noble 

Christian Book Distributors 

Kobo 

Character Interview #9: Shaetha Sohran

Hey again, digressors. So you've probably guessed what's happening today by the title of this post, but I'll tell you anyways. Last week, I opened up the forums (or the comments section, rather) for you to ask Shaetha Sohran questions. Well, the questions are in, and Shaetha is here to answer them.

Thanks for coming out today, Shaetha. So, here's the first question of the day. What lessons did your late father teach you about life through his sacrifice?

Oh... Um... Do I have to answer this?

Yes, you do.

But... Okay. Well... I guess he taught me that love has to be stronger than fear. The fear won't always go away, but if you really care about someone, then helping them needs to be more important than your fear. I think that's the definition of love, actually. It gives when it's hard, even when it hurts. Fear might be strong, but love has to be stronger, or it isn't really love. I suppose that's what I've learned.

What is the most difficult thing about getting over fear?

I guess for me, the hardest part is that a lot of the time, fear is based on something that's actually happened, either to me or someone else. In my case, I... I'm afraid of fire because of what happened to our house and our parents. So it makes it hard to fight my fear in that area because something bad actually happened, and for all I know, it could happen again. Not that it's likely, I guess, but it's possible. And some part of my mind refuses to let go of that reasoning, so it's a constant battle to keep disagreeing when what I fear is, in some way, realistic.

What advice would you give someone else who is trying to get over their fears?

First of all, breathe. Focus on dealing with the things you can influence in the present instead of working yourself up over things that might never happen. And pray, if you believe in God. I do, but I know not everyone does, so... I understand why praying might not come naturally. Remind yourself of what's real and what's not. Distract yourself if you have to, and spend time with people and places that make you feel safe. You can't control what happens, but you can control how you react to it. Of course... the thing is, a lot of what I've had to deal with isn't just fear. It's memories that seem like they're happening again, which then cause fear because I think it's all still happening. I can't really control those just by writing off my usual fears. Which makes it even more important for me to get somewhere safe and be near someone who understands and can remind me where I am. I don't think I'd be anywhere near getting over my fear of fire if I didn't have Lehn to help me.

What's your favorite thing to do?

As a hobby, or in general?

Either way. You choose.

Well... I know some people might think this is strange, but I love hugging. And being hugged. Is... is that too strange?

No, I know plenty of people who love hugging. And what about hobbies?

But you just said I could--

I changed my mind. Your hobbies? What do you like to do for fun? 

...I... I like drawing, but I'm sort of new to it, so I don't really know yet whether I'm any good or whether it's among my favorite things to do. And it might sound odd, but I actually like cooking. I enjoy mixing things together and preparing a meal for people I care about. Also, it makes me feel... powerful, I suppose, when I can use fire to do something good, even though I'm afraid of it.

What do you and your brother have in common? 
A lot of things, I guess, but we're still fairly different. He's more confident. And more fun-loving. And I don't think he really believes in Yahveh anymore, or at least not in the same way I do. But anyways... We do both love people and want to make others feel better as much as we can. Some people might even think Lehn is too friendly, which is kind of similar to how they think I ask too many questions and hover a little. I don't know. But I'd say that -- our love for people -- is the main thing we have in common. 

When you have the chance to listen to music, what kind do you like?

I don't get much of an opportunity to listen to music, but I like love ballads and hymns.

Are you a morning or a night person?

Morning. It feels more alive to me, and I don't like the dark. I prefer to have plenty of light so I can see things and move around.

What's your favorite season, and why?

I like spring. It has a lot of color, and it's more cheery than some of the other seasons.

Fun fact: Sohrem despises spring for a lot of the reasons you just mentioned.
...I'm sorry... But I like those things about it. I don't really prefer summer because it's too hot. Fall and winter are also good in their own ways.

Um, Shaetha, you don't have to compliment all the seasons. We just wanted to know which was your favorite.

I know, but... I don't want to make it sound like I think there's anything wrong with the other ones.

It doesn't. I think you've made absolutely sure of that by now. But anyways... If Lehn was in danger from a fire, would it be hard to save him, or would your protectiveness and love overpower your fear?

I don't really like to think about it...

Indulge us just for a minute, and then we can move on, okay?

All right... I'd like to think that I could save him, because I love him enough that I'd at least want to try. But I don't know what would happen if the memories took over. I might get stuck and be burned with him. Not that I wouldn't try, but I... I might not make it out. The decision to go in after him would be easy. It's what would happen afterwards that worries me, because I would either save him or die trying. I couldn't handle coming out without him.

If you had to use a weapon, what would be your weapon of choice?

No. I don't want a weapon of any kind.

The phrasing of the question implies that you wouldn't have the option to refuse.
I said no.

Come on -- what if an enemy attacked you or someone you loved? Would you just stand by and let them do it?
.........I... I don't know. I guess not. Maybe... maybe if I could have something that wouldn't hurt them too badly, that would just knock them out or take them down long enough for me to tie them up, I'd be all right.

Hey, you've used a sword before, haven't you? Oh, that's right -- you dropped it... So maybe that's not the best option. 
I don't want to talk about it. Are there any more questions? 

Just one. How do you feel about your name?

My... name?

Is there an echo in here?

No, I just... I guess I've never really thought about it, or not recently, anyways. I like my name well enough. People seem to think it fits me, in general. I like that there aren't any harsh noises in it.

I guess that could be considered a plus.
I think it is, anyways. You... you did say that was the last question, didn't you? I kind of have to get back to the others...

Yeah, that's fine. Just be careful, okay? You never know what might happen.
...That's comforting. Just please don't hurt anyone.

Uh-huh. Sure thing.
I'm not that naïve, you know...

Of course not. Goodbye, now.
But--

*escorts Shaetha back to her world and locks the door* Have fun storming the mountainside.

Okay, so I guess it's fairly unlikely that Shaetha will "storm" anything, but you never know. She can get surprisingly aggressive when she's under a great deal of stress and people she cares about are in jeopardy. Which are two things that have been happening a fair amount lately. But anyways. What do you think? What are some tips you would give to someone looking to overcome their fear? What's something that used to scare you (or still does) that you've pushed past to do what's right and/or achieve a goal that was important to you?

Scribely How-To: Tools For Character Development

Hello again, fellow digressors. I bet you didn't expect to see me again this soon, did you? Well, here's the thing -- it's a blast sharing with you things I've written and read, and raving about the new writing music I've found. But as an author, when I visit the blogs of fellow authors, I get a little excited when there's some kind of how-to on something that's been giving me trouble. A long while back, I uploaded a post called Scribely How-To: Insecurity Maps, and it seems like several of you were excited by the concept of a new way to explore your characters' insecurities and see them laid out together. Well, I'm not sure I've discovered any other kinds of graphics to make, except maybe for character playlists, but we're not talking about those today. The theme of this post will be finding ways to make character development easier to tackle. 

The thing about crafting complex, compelling characters (alliteration happens) is that, while it is vitally important, sometimes it's hard to actually pull it off. Why? Well, think about it. What would happen if someone tried to sum you up as a character? 

Say you're a sixteen-year-old American girl, and you love dystopian novels and knitting. (Let's ignore, for the moment, the probable statistics on how many sixteen-year-olds actually enjoy knitting.) It would probably be easy for someone who had just exchanged a conversation with you to say this much if anyone else asked who you were. The information would be accurate, but it wouldn't sum you up as a person. If someone asked the person who'd just talked with you what your outlook was on life, and all they knew about you was that you had those hobbies, would it be accurate for them to say that the meaning of life to you was knitting and reading your genre of choice? Probably not, because your age and hobbies are only one small part of who you are. They might occupy much of your time, but they are surface details, symptoms of whatever lies within your mind and heart. 

Additionally, while you might connect on a certain level with others because they also love dystopian novels and knitting, if that was all you ever talked about, the relationship would seem to be a shallow one indeed, because no-one is made up solely of what can be seen on the surface. What is within you, what matters to you, and how you view the world affects what you do on the outside, so if someone wants to truly connect with you and understand why you love certain things and act a certain way, they would have to find out a whole lot more than what hobbies you used to occupy your time. The same thing is true of characters. Character development is hard because characters are people, albeit fictional ones, and people are complex, made up of so many different elements that you could know them for a lifetime and they might still surprise you. 

And sometimes it seems like it's taking a lifetime to get to know your characters, doesn't it? At least it's felt that way for me in many cases. One key difference between getting to know a real person and getting to know a character is that you can spend time with a person. You can sit down and have a face-to-face conversation with them. You can exchange questions and have lengthy conversations about your interests, your likes and dislikes, and your views about yourselves, each other, and the world. You can also observe them in day-to-day situations and see how they respond to various circumstances. A fictional character, on the other hand, is trickier to know, because you're creating them. You can't exactly sit down with them and say, "Okay, character -- tell me about yourself," or invite them to a party and observe them there. I mean, you could, I suppose, but you'd still have to be the one coming up with their answers and writing/typing what happened to them and what they did. (If you're sitting down to figure out a character and their words start appearing on the page or the screen without your intervention, something might be off.) 

So what, then? Well, you could always just sit down and start writing down known facts about your character and see what else comes to mind. But after a while, that can get old, and when you run out of ideas, where do you turn? I have a few ideas, some of which I might have mentioned in the previous How-To, but bear with me here.

1. Find a character development worksheet. 

These things are tremendously helpful for me because they provide a list of things that a reader might want to know about a character, things which might not have occurred to me otherwise, and allow me to simply fill in the blanks with whatever seems most consistent with how I want my character to be. It's easy for me to come up with questions such as how they look, how old they are, and what they like to do for fun, but what about their quirks? What do they do when someone presses them to do something they don't want to do? How do they feel about their family? What is their best characteristic, or their worst? There are so many questions to consider, and they might not all come to mind immediately. There are a plethora of worksheets out there, but here's a good one, complete with relevant advice and tips on things to consider when developing your characters. (Yes, the author of the post has been mentioned here a few times. Now shush.)

While you're at it, go ahead and explore the Go Teen Writers blog that hosts the worksheet I just showed you. It's tremendously helpful and encouraging. In fact, they have a whole list of topics here if you're looking for advice on something specific. Finding more should be easy -- just go to Pinterest or your preferred search engine and type in "character development worksheet" and there should be several options. Make sure to do a quick scan-read before you download, though -- not only does the quality of worksheets vary, but some worksheets will be geared more towards one genre (e.g. science-fiction, contemporary, romance) and might not be the best fit for you and your WIP.

2. Find a list of potential traits and go through it to find ones which might fit your character. 

While a worksheet may help you come up with new questions to ask and prompt you to come up with answers, a list of traits can help you answer those questions more easily and effectively, and also perhaps to consider the implications of a particular aspect. Writers Helping Writers is one of my favorite resources for this method. The creators have released four wonderful thesauri in digital and paperback format: 

The Positive Traits Thesaurus (Useful for exploring character attributes and strengths. Available in physical and digital form.) 

The Negative Traits Thesaurus (Useful for exploring character flaws and weaknesses. Available in physical and digital form.) 

The Emotion Thesaurus (Useful for writing believable emotional reactions to events. Available in physical and digital form.)  

Emotion Amplifiers (Useful for realistic application of secondary elements such as sickness and fatigue which might influence a character's reactions. Free download! No paperback version, as far as I know.) 

I have found these to be invaluable because not only do they provide a list of traits, but they also offer such information as potential reasons for a particular trait, behaviors associated with it, and what traits in other characters might highlight or aggravate your character based on the traits the first possesses. They also have a set of more limited but still useful thesauri (such as ones for physical features, talents and skills, and emotional wounds) online here. The character wounds one is especially useful in exploring various elements of a character's backstory and how various events would likely shape them as a person, so I recommend you check that one out.

3. Take them for a test drive. 

This traces back to my note about being able to observe a person in situations and better know them by their reactions to what happens. There is, in fact, a difference between having a head knowledge of a person or character's traits and knowing how those traits translate into their behavior. For example, you might know that a person dislikes spiders, and from that knowledge you might extrapolate that they will react negatively should they encounter an actual spider. You could always learn from a secondary source how extreme their reaction is, but until you actually see it happen, you have only a head knowledge of their probable reaction, not drawn from experience of any kind with watching them actually react.

With characters, I've found that of all the various kinds of prep work I could do during their development, one of the most helpful things to do is to follow writing prompts using them, or throw them into character chats wherein they react in real-time to other authors' characters (and yes, I'm aware the authors are still doing the work, but trust me when I say that the method makes a difference). For instance, if I asked you how your character would react to a random dog growling at them, you could tell me that the character is afraid of dogs and would react accordingly, or you could write a scene wherein the given scenario happened and show me that way. This is probably more effective in testing whether the character development you've done has been effective rather than necessarily coming up with anything new, but it can still help. Sometimes things look just fine when you're scribbling them onto a list, but when they're actually brought to life, you might find there's some related detail you haven't considered (or you may choose to experiment with different details and see how it fits). CCing, however, has helped me at every stage of development. There's just something about throwing a character into a room (or forest, or whatever) with a character neither you nor they know fully, with another author whose mind works differently from yours guiding the other side of the conversation.


4. Ask "Why?" until you've completely run out of things to discover (as far as you know). 
This is, honestly, one of the main things I do with any kind of development in my writing -- whether I'm exploring a character, their culture, or the way their natural world works (if it's not the real one). If you think about it hard enough, there's usually a reason for most things in the world. Like, let's assume again that your character is afraid of dogs. Why? Is it just because they're loud, or did he/she have a bad experience with one earlier in life? Look into that, and also consider what other implications the reason behind that fear might generate.

My second book, 'The Merchant's Son', takes place in a bordertown wherein there's a lot of racial tension between the people from within the borders and those from without. That's all well and good to know, but why is there tension? Well, I figured, maybe the people from without felt like their territory had been infringed, and so they didn't take to their neighbors too well. This might lead to them performing acts of varying levels of resistance towards those from within the borders, who would retaliate by providing their own methods of resistance. Over generations of this tension building and running ever deeper between the nations, there would grow a common belief on either side that the people from the other side of the border were universally terrible (or nearly so), which would only foster the feelings of hostility and drive tension levels higher.

So here I've taken a surface detail that I'd already established about the cultural setting of my story and gone deeper to investigate the reasons behind it, which gives further insight into both cultures and also hints at what attitudes my characters might have inherited by being born on one side of the border or the other. Likewise, exploring the reasons behind surface traits and attitudes in your characters (whether a fear of dogs, a distrust of their parents, or simply a dislike for the number 7) may help you to understand the way they think and, as a matter of course, explore what other consequences their attitudes -- whether conscious or no -- might have on their behavior.


5. Read books about characters you love and study what makes you love them. 
It always comes back to reading, doesn't it? Well, I imagine that makes sense. After all, you'd be hard-pressed to create any sort of great art without first studying what's done before and how it was accomplished. Otherwise you're basically running blind and going off of your instincts, uninformed by any accomplished sources, which isn't likely to help much. Of course, you shouldn't try to copy other people's characters, as this might get you anything from a complaint about them being unoriginal to someone calling you out on plagiarism (which is a serious charge). Besides which fact, you are an artist, a creator of worlds, ones which can come from no mind but your own. Why would you want to rip off the product of someone else's creative process?

Regardless, there are some elements which most well-developed, beloved characters have in common, even if they're nothing alike in background or personality, and the more you read of the characters whom either you or those you trust love, the better equipped you will be to answer questions such as, "What makes a character likable? What combination of traits could potentially turn a reader off to my character, and if those traits are central to them, how can I make the combination work anyways? Is there a gap somewhere in the list of things I've considered about who this character is and why they are the way they are?" Basically, when trying to find ways to become a better writer, read, read, and then read some more. Repeat ad infinitum.


In summary, character development is a complicated process, but there are many ways to make it easier on yourself, or at least to make the tireless work you do to get it right as effective as possible. I won't tell you to stick to one method, nor to use all of them, because no two minds work exactly the same way, and therefore what works for one person may not work for another. What I do hope is that you'll come away from this list today with a little less fear of the process. But be patient with yourself. Creating new worlds and people from the ideas swirling around in your head is a tremendous feat, and it won't always come easy, but that's okay. As Theodore Roosevelt once said,

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."

So what do you think? What methods do you generally use for character development? Do you have any that I haven't listed here, or maybe some elaboration on one of the points? What's your favorite character worksheet that you've found? I'd love to hear about it! And possibly check it out for myself... Even after years of working with the same characters continuously, I keep finding out little details that I'd never considered. My family says I talk about my characters and fictional worlds as if they're real and I'm just finding out more about them as I go along, and sometimes it does honestly feel that way. I wonder if that's a good sign or a sign that I need help with my problem of blurring the lines between fantasy and reality...

But, of course, I digress. 

A Resolution Fulfilled... And A Character To Interview! (Ask Shaetha)

Good evening, fellow digressors. Or is it morning? Afternoon, maybe? Well, I guess it depends on when you get around to reading this post. How were your holidays? Did you make any resolutions for the new year? I generally only make one or two, and they tend to be writing-related, but maybe I should get into the habit of making ones relevant to my lifestyle. Or, hey, I could resolve to be more regular about my blog posts. 

Eh. Okay, I should have done that like a year ago. If you have any tips on how to do it, please feel very free to drop them below. 

Speaking of resolutions, though, mine last year was to finish writing 'The Sehret Chronicles: The Rescuer' by the time 2016 rolled around. I didn't make it. However, a week ago today... 

I DID IT. 

That's right -- I have a big, messy, nearly 144,000-words-long monster to grapple with now. But a complete monster. (Perhaps a bit too complete, actually, considering that it's about 40,000 words longer than either of the other two books in the trilogy.) 

I'm not sure when I'll manage to get it on the market, but I would very much like to edit and release it before I turn 22 in May. It might be feasible, depending upon how much editing I end up having to do. I have no official cover yet, but I did create one for fun a while back, and I uploaded it for use on the front of the first draft proof copy which should arrive in the next week or so (and I will show you pictures when it gets here). For now, here is the mock-up cover: 

On that note, if you feel like playing around with a cover of your own (or a poster, or anything along those lines), check out Canva. It has some beautiful pre-made designs and even some free images and special fonts that you can use. Also, it shows you when the design element you're moving is fully centered from left to right. How delightful is that for a perfectionist? 

Oh! You know what else is exciting? 'Heir War', part 1.2 of 'The Kinsman Chronicles' by Jill Williamson is coming out on February 2nd. I'm in the process of reading it, so I can't give you much of a review yet, but so far it's fantastic. I daresay I'm liking it even better than 'Darkness Reigns'. The introductory parts are pretty much over, and so there's more action going on, and it makes me happy. Note: The dark parts are still there, but the light has also begun to creep in to provide contrast, so things are starting to come together, though I have no doubt Jill will take me for a few more twists and turns by the time it's over. Or several more. Who knows? Well, I suppose she does, since she wrote them. Brilliantly, of course, as always. By the way, the official website for the series is here and, as stated there, you can visit Jill's website for more cool things related to the series and the world and characters involved in it. 

Me, a fangirl? Don't be silly. Wherever did you get the impression that I was a fangirl? 

Ahem. You, um, really don't have to answer that question. 

Anyhow. 

Since I finished writing this draft of 'Rescuer', I've been mostly occupied with (1) finding people to read and give feedback, (2) trying not to let myself edit yet, and (3) attempting rather unsuccessfully to get my brain to work on my next scheduled project, 'Distorted Dimensions', a contemporary YA science-fiction novel about a PK who encounters the town "ghost" and has to both figure out what happened to him and help bring his "haunting" to an end. However, I'm having a fair amount of trouble working on that, and have instead been straying to other stories. One is a contemporary YA with no speculative elements, but technically it's not supposed to exist because it's populated by alternate versions of the characters from 'The Sehret Chronicles'. 

My point? Well, as long as I'm procrastinating by writing other things, I might as well work on something that is supposed to exist. So expect another installment in 'The Runaway' fairly soon, provided life doesn't get in the way. But for now, I have just one more announcement for you... 

Another character interview! 

Yes, you read that correctly. Some of you may remember a while back when I did a series of character interviews, wherein I would present a character to you and give you the opportunity to ask them whatever questions you liked. I've decided to do it again, at least for one character, though I might not get into another series just now unless there's interest in such a thing. And the lucky character this time around is... 

Shaetha Sohran

Shaetha wasn't really what you would call a major character in 'The Follower', but in 'The Rescuer' she could almost be considered the protagonist around whom the story revolves (although I think Sohrem is somewhat more central). She's fifteen, nearly sixteen, an ENFJ (Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging), and a Yahveh-Follower who recently came to recognize Jeshua as Yahveh incarnate. Her parents died in a house fire when she was five, and her father's last act was to run back into the house and push her out to safety. Since then, it's been Shaetha and her older brother, Lehn, against the world. She suffers from recurring nightmares and pyrophobia as a result of the event which claimed her parents, but she's getting better about being around fires and handling her bad nights on her own (whereas Lehn would usually come running to console her). She's a positive soul who tries to see the good in everyone, and this can sometimes come back to bite her if she overlooks one potentially dangerous flaw too many in someone she loves. Pressure scares her and pushes her outside of her comfort zone, but when someone really needs her, she'll rise to the occasion, so long as that occasion does not involve wielding a weapon much bigger than her hand. However, if she's been under stress without someone there to help her sort through her feelings about things, you'll find her more bossy and direct than her usual personality would suggest she's capable of being. Overall, she's a goodhearted young woman in the throes of growing up, and one of her greatest challenges is in learning how to function and thrive on her own, apart from anyone else's direction or supervision. 

Since I haven't posted an interview in a while, and it's the middle of the week right now, I'm going to leave it open for you to ask questions through the 27th. So fire away! (But not with real fire, please. Shaetha may be braver than people think, but let's try not to trigger her intentionally just now, shall we?) 

The Runaway - Part Two

Hello again, fellow digressors. So you may have noticed that while you've been seeing a bit more of me lately, it's mostly had to do with Jill Williamson's new eBook, 'Darkness Reigns' and how much you need to check it out. Hopefully that's settled well with you, but just in case, I'll post something that's been a long time in coming... 

......Writing music recommendations! 

No, not really. But since I mentioned it, I did purchase a couple of albums of orchestral/trailer music over the past several months, and they're both amazing. The first is 'Magnus' by Audiomachine and the second is 'Classics: Vol. 2' by Two Steps From Hell. I also have 'Classics: Vol. 1' and it is an equally worthy offering, and I would very much like to buy Audiomachine's 'Phenomena'. Here are their lovely album covers for your consideration. 

Y'all who are writers or just like awesome orchestral music to make your brains work better or make your day feel more epic should check it out. There are one or two tracks that aren't my favorites, but considering how many tracks there are in all four put together (ninety, in case you were wondering), for all of them to surpass my expectations would be quite a remarkable feat. Overall, I'm in love with the albums and have found them very useful in making my brain work and getting the inspiration going for me to write. 

Hang on -- you say you were expecting something else from the post's title? What, my music recommendations aren't good enough for you? You don't like epic orchestral scores that get your blood pumping and brain cells firing? 

Well, phooey, then. I guess I'll just get on to the point of my post: A while back (a long while, I'm afraid) some of you voted in a poll regarding which short story/novella I should keep posting on the blog. The choice was between 'Street Rats' (the protagonist being Talsyn Lethar from 'The Merchant's Son') and 'The Runaway' (the protagonist being Jorthen Lavahr from 'The Follower'). And the winner was... 

The Runaway.

Never fear, those who were gunning for 'Street Rats' -- it's entirely possible that one of these nights, I'll get tired of my main projects and, in a fit of rebellion, write another installment in that story and post it here. I can guarantee that my brain will keep plotting it and imagining how I would introduce it to you and explain it on the back cover of the paperback and conduct my author interview on television... 

Wait, I'm getting sidetracked again. You really should warn me when I start doing that. I get little enough done as it is. I haven't even addressed the lovely people who have at some point nominated me for blog awards (Annika at Writer And Proud and Adriana over at The Librarian Files, who are both more faithful bloggers than I am; you should check them both out right now, if you haven't already). I do desperately want to catch up on all that (and also on the stuff my best friend Sierra over at Words on My Page has tagged me for). I just need to track down all the places where they linked me to details about the awards/events, then follow their instructions. Maybe I'll do it all in one big post... The hard part will be in tagging other bloggers; I guess I know a few, but I tend to forget their addresses when it counts. 

Anyways, without further ado, I shall end your long wait (for a continuation of the aforementioned story, that is)... 

------------------------------------------

The Runaway - Part Two

--------------

It took four men to haul the stranger into the building, two to catch his horse, and yet another to fetch the base physician, but within the space of half an hour, all was accomplished, and Jorthen stood by as the physician, Geram, bent over a musty cot and examined their runaway's injuries. Jorthen flinched at the sight of some of the burns, but the greying man before him remained stoic and steady as he checked the boy's breathing, his pulse, and, for whatever reason, his teeth. The gangly stranger before him did not stir for any of it. 

Jorthen held his tongue for a few minutes, then cleared his throat. "What do you think?" 

"Eh?" Geram glanced at him, then waved a hand dismissively. "I've only just begun my examination. I have nothing to report as of yet." 

"Nothing?" Jorthen frowned and stepped forward to get a better look. "Can you at least tell how severe his wounds are? Will he live?" 

"I've seen nothing to warrant either a yea or a nay on that subject, Master Lavahr. I'll thank you to wait outside while I examine my patient." 

Jorthen worked his jaw and fought to keep his tone neutral. "He may be injured, but for all we know, he could pose a threat if he woke and didn't understand what was going on or what your intentions were. If need be, I can speak to him in his own language." 

"Don't see how you couldn't keep watch from just outside the door," Geram grumbled, shaking his head. He sighed heavily. "Fine, then. If you must be here, you can at least make yourself useful. I need his tunic removed so I can check for burns in more vital areas than his face and limbs." 

Jorthen nodded. He had assisted physicians in such tasks before, but as Geram used a knife to cut the boy's tunic free from his body, Jorthen's flight instincts threatened to carry him out of the room. Hardly an inch of the boy's body was not bruised, cut, or burned, but his back was the worst. A large portion of the flesh was branded varying shades of red, purple, and even black where something must have struck and charred him. Jorthen glanced away to compose himself, then took a deep breath. "What should I do?" 
"Just get me the burn medicine from over there." Geram nodded towards a shelf on Jorthen's far right where a myriad of bottles sat. 
Jorthen walked over to the shelf and examined the bottles, but the harder he stared at the scrawled words on the labels, the less he was able to read them. He found one that he thought said something like 'Burns' and carried it over to Geram. 
Geram took a look at the bottle and grunted. "Give me that," he said, snatching the bottle from Jorthen. He strode over to the shelf and started searching for the burn medicine himself. 
Jorthen swallowed his frustration, then forgot it entirely as he looked again at the boy, who now lay on his stomach, still unconscious, tortured back exposed. He noticed a set of strange, claw-like scars running parallel to the boy's spine, all of them darker than scars would normally be and shaped as though they were new, though he could see no other sign that they were. He frowned. "Those marks along his spine... Did those come from the fire?" 
"Scars and birthmarks don't concern me," Geram said, pushing past Jorthen with the proper medicine in hand. "Only the wounds that still stand to cause trouble." 
"But these," Jorthen began, then trailed off as he remembered that Geram likely wouldn't listen anyhow. He glanced down at the Shamindo boy again and took a deep breath. "You know, maybe I'll just step outside after all. Call me if you need anything." 
"Go, then," Geram said indifferently, and popped the cork of the medicine bottle without so much as glancing at Jorthen. 
Jorthen hesitated a moment longer, then glimpsed the boy's injuries again and found his motivation to leave renewed. A moment later, he was out in the hallway with the door shut behind him. He nearly collided with a small band of male recruits who tried to peer through the doorway before he shut the door. "Back to your duties," he said. "There's nothing to see here." 
"Is it true they caught a Shamindo spy?" A dark-haired, light-eyed boy at the edge of the group stared wide-eyed at the door as if the injured runaway might leap out at him with his teeth bared. 
Jorthen resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "No, it is not true." 
"How do you know?" One of the taller boys crossed his arms defiantly. "You only just found him, didn't you? Everyone knows Shamindo strays aren't to be trusted." 
"There are no spies here," Jorthen said. "Your superior officers will conduct an interrogation as soon as possible, and then we'll decide what to do with him." 
A chorus of protests broke out at his words, and more recruits joined the group either to protest or simply to watch the spectacle. "But how do you know he's not--" 
"Is it safe?" 
"Maybe he's an assassin, here to take out our alchemy instructor." 
"No, he's a horse thief, didn't you hear? He's here to steal our animals." 
"Maybe he's here to steal our secrets." 
"Or our lives." 
Jorthen clapped his hands hard, and the sound echoed through the hall. "That's enough," he shouted. Once the chatter had died down a bit, he scanned the crowd. "The situation is being handled, and I will update any genuinely concerned parties later when I have some actual information to give them. Until then, back to your training, or patrols, or whatever you're scheduled to do at this hour. Go." 
A discontented murmur spread throughout the crowd. but one by one the recruits dispersed and resorted to whispering their suspicions between themselves. 
Any thoughts of returning to his room to retreat from the stress of dealing with people were forgotten now as Jorthen centered himself in front of the door and clasped his hands behind him to keep a lookout. Perhaps none of the recruits meant any harm, but if Geram had been frustrated by one lieutenant captain hanging about while he worked, the fallout from several curious teenagers and twenty-somethings milling about watching him would be nigh on unimaginable. 
Whoever this boy might be, whatever reason brought him here, he deserved treatment from a focused physician, not one who turned away every few seconds to order people to back away. 
Jorthen stood still at the door for a quarter of an hour with little disturbance, and he considered turning back to check on Geram's progress. Footsteps echoed down the corridor, and he groaned inwardly. Why could the recruits not mind their own business for a few hours longer? 
But then he recognized the steady strides, measured, calculated, moving at a peculiar but repetitive interval, setting the bearer apart while still marking him as someone who knew exactly where he was going and why. 
Jorthen fixed his gaze on the wall directly across from him and instinctively tipped his chin up a fraction of an inch as a cold, familiar numbness crept into his fingers. 
Atrin Lavahr strode into his line of sight and brought his hands behind his back, icy blue eyes narrowing beneath dark hair carefully styled to fall over the faded scar on the right side of his forehead. "And just where have you been?" 
Jorthen swallowed and glanced off to the side before meeting Atrin's eyes. "Something came up. I had to help." 
"You were expected at a meeting regarding the age of recruitment and whether or not it should be lowered in the near future. It ended twenty minutes ago." 
Had it? Jorthen had no memory of such a meeting on his schedule, but then, the entire day been a blur since he'd woken up that morning with aching limbs and a fog in his head. He nodded once. "I apologize. The situation was... rather urgent." 
Atrin studied him for a long moment, mulling over his excuse. "And that situation is?" 
"A Shamindo boy showed up half-dead on a horse. I had to get him to Geram and ensure that no-one got in the way." 
"You had better concern yourself with more important matters than a thieving foreigner and his ailments, Lieutenant," Atrin said, then sighed and looked down the hall to his right. "I have another meeting to attend. We'll discuss your failure to fulfill your duties later." 
"I may be busy later," Jorthen said. "We still don't know who the boy is or what's to be done with him." 
"Fine, but get that all handled soon so you can get back to the work you're supposed to be doing. Understood?" 
Jorthen nodded. "Understood, sir." 
Without another word, Atrin turned and strode off with his usual gait in the direction he'd chosen. As usual, he did not bother looking back, and Jorthen did not bother trying to bid him farewell. With Atrin's absence, the feeling had begun to return to his fingers, and he found it easier to breathe without aggravating the old pain in his chest. He had been stupid for neglecting his duties without permission, but it might have been equally stupid to attempt to deal with a crowd of officers and dignitaries on a day like today, when neither his mind nor his body seemed willing to work the way they should. 
No sooner had he gotten used to the near silence than he heard a crashing noise behind him, followed by a thud against the door and a raspy voice screaming in Shamindo between hacking coughs. 
Geram's voice called over the chaos, "Lieutenant, you're needed in here!" 
Of course he was needed now. When else? 
Jorthen grabbed for his shakahn, then thought better of it and left the shortsword sheathed. If he was lucky, he would not have to draw it. He gripped the door's handle and ducked defensively as he pushed the door open and entered. A bottle flew past his head and smashed against the doorframe. 
As might have been extrapolated from the sounds he'd heard a moment before, the Shamindo boy had awoken and was less than calm about the situation. 
Jorthen grabbed Geram by the arm and pulled him out the door, then closed it quickly behind them and held it shut. The boy on the other side banged on the wood and tried to pull the door open, but a coughing fit stopped his efforts mere moments after he'd begun trying. 
"He tried to bite me," Geram said indignantly. 
"Come again?" Jorthen said, keeping hold of the door handle just in case. 
"I was tending the boy's wounds, and I'd nearly gotten far enough to come out and call for you, but no sooner than I'd turned around, he woke up and started hurling things at me. When I tried to sit him down again, he lunged at me and showed his teeth. Look what he did to my arm!" 
Jorthen glimpsed a row of scratch marks on Geram's arm, not very deep, but certainly recent. "Do you have any sedatives we could use to subdue him?" 
"Aye, but it'll be a miracle if he hasn't hurled it across the room by now." 
The sounds within no longer consisted of screams or pounding, nor even of bottles crashing against the wall. Instead Jorthen had to press his ear to the door to hear a series of gasps and coughs, along with a rustling sound he couldn't place. 
He glanced at Geram and straightened. "I'm going in there." 
"Suit yourself," Geram grumbled. "I'm going to call for more men to subdue him." 
"Hopefully it won't come to that," Jorthen said, then took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. 
The rustling stopped as he set foot into the room, and he halted. "It's all right," he called in. "I'm not going to hurt you. Do you understand me?" 
No answer came, but the gasping reduced volume to an uneven wheezing punctuated by the occasional light cough, and the rustling resumed. 
It was better than having a bottle thrown at him, he supposed. Jorthen stepped carefully over a pile of glass shards and turned with his arms raised in a peacemaking gesture. "We met earlier. I mean you no harm." 
He spotted the boy in the corner beside the examination cot, knees drawn to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, wild green eyes staring up at Jorthen as their owner continued to gasp for breath. He looked even more defenseless with his tunic gone, and from this angle Jorthen could see marks on his head where either the fire had caught him or something else kept his hair from growing normally. But however harmless he appeared, provoking him could be dangerous, as recent events proved. 
"It's all right," Jorthen repeated, slowly moving his foot to push the door closed. He stepped forward and lowered his hands to his sides. "Take slow, deep breaths, all right? Cough if you need to. There's plenty of air in here." 
The boy's eyes flitted towards the floor directly in front of Jorthen's feet. Jorthen looked down and found a rather large shard of glass right where he would he stepped had he moved forward again. He swept the glass off to the side with the side of his boot. "Thank you. I almost missed that." 
The boy tensed as the glass shard collided with the leg of a nearby table, and he rocked more fervently, creating the rustling noise Jorthen had heard from outside. 
He wanted to give the boy more space, but he had no idea how long it would be before Geram returned with men who would not be so careful about dealing with him. He shuffled forward another step, swept aside another set of tiny shards, and knelt carefully, resting his hands on his knees where the boy would easily be able to see them. "...I'm Jorthen Lavahr. Can you tell me your name?" 
The boy looked at Jorthen's hands, then at his face, then at his hands again, distrust in his eyes. 
"Look," Jorthen said. "I don't know if you can understand me, but..." He hesitated. "...Sal treyn? Sri treynin Jorthen Lavahr." 
The boy's throat bobbed, and at last he spoke, his voice faint and excessively raspy. "Heard you the first time." 
Jorthen sighed, checked for glass behind him, then shifted to sit in a cross-legged position. "So you can answer me, right? Can you tell me your name?" 
The boy tucked his chin behind his knees and shook his head, dropping his gaze to stare at the ground. 
"All right, then. Can you tell me how old you are? Are you fifteen, sixteen?" 
"Seventeen," the boy rasped. 
Jorthen nodded. "Good to know. If you can't tell me your name, is there something I should call you?" 
The boy tried to speak again, but his words were lost in another hacking fit. Jorthen waited until the fit subsided, and at last heard the boy whisper, "San." 
Jorthen managed a faint smile. "Good to meet you, San. You can call me Jorthen." 
If San heard him, he didn't acknowledge it before Jorthen heard footsteps outside the door behind him. He tensed and called over his shoulder, "Don't come in." 
San flinched at Jorthen's volume and pulled his knees more tightly to his chest. 
"Sorry," Jorthen said more quietly. "Listen, San, I'm just going to get up and tell the people at the door that we're all right in here. I'll move slowly so you can see everything I'm doing. Deal?" 
San didn't look up, but his head bobbed briefly in a nod. 
Good enough. Jorthen stood carefully and made his way to the door, then opened it a crack and spoke softly to the people on the other side. "You can go back to your posts. I have the situation handled." 
The soldier directly on the other side looked baffled, then irritated. "You sent old Geram halfway across the base to summon us just to tell us to leave?" 
It was just like Geram to shift blame, Jorthen thought, but he overlooked the fib for the moment. "I apologize. If you want something to do, inform my father and co-instructors that I won't be part of the sessions this afternoon. Send them my apologies." 
"Lieutenant," one of the other soldiers said reprovingly. 
"If you'd rather come in and deal with the boy I've only just succeeded in appeasing, be my guest." 
The men on the other side of the door went silent, then one of them muttered, "Apologies, sir. We'll be leaving now." 
Jorthen rested his forehead against the open door and allowed himself a moment to relax. He heard shuffling and opened his eyes to see Geram's withered, wary face peeking into the crack. "Is he tamed?" 
"He's calm," Jorthen said. "If you want to come in, give me time to warn him first." 
Geram nodded and took a step backwards. 
Jorthen shut the door quietly and turned back to the figure huddled in the corner. "San, the physician needs to come in to clean up and finish treating your injuries. Is that all right?" 
San's eyes flickered and widened slightly, and he shook his head wildly, then sped up his rocking. 
"Hey, hey." Jorthen approached him and knelt again to match his eye level, then forced himself slightly lower. "I'll stay right here the whole time, all right? I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you." 
San gulped again, and in the same faint, raspy voice as before, he said, "Not a baby." 
Jorthen's mouth twitched to the side. "I know you're not. But I also know you're nervous and in a foreign environment. It's understandable not to trust anyone. But do you think you can trust me enough to let the physician in?" 
San's eyes rose briefly to meet Jorthen's, then dropped again, and he nodded almost invisibly. 
Finally, Jorthen thought, then turned his head to call just loudly enough to be heard by aged ears, "Geram, you can come in now." 
Now if they could just get through the rest of the day without anyone getting bitten, scratched, or hit by objects being flung through the air, the day would be at least a marginal success.